I have this picture in my head. My sister and I are laughing at a restaurant, one we can both enjoy. Some hole in the wall Mexican place. She tries to order in Spanish and flubs it, and I correct her. We each have a margarita and talk about our kids. But I’m pretty aware this will never happen.
Back in like 2001, when I hit eleven, I was heavily cajoled into not seeing my dad anymore. We missed some formative years. My sister tried to get me to come over for dinner, but my mom would give me a thousand reasons not to. It was far for just dinner. Didn’t I wanna rest after softball practice? What if she made my favorite there? Being a literal child, I always relented.
I’ve gotten to where, after our dad died and we reunited just beforehand, I try to include her in my life. But she pushed me out of hers, and I now have no idea what’s happening in her life. I found out today she got divorced two days ago. I don’t even know how she feels about it.
I know what’s happening. I’m mourning. Mourning for a relationship that died back in my childhood. I’m angry because it was out of my control, and I feel like I should have fought harder. But I wasn’t a fighter.
And this type of rejection infects every other type of relationship in my life. I keep my friends at arm’s length because I just know they’ll leave me. All of them do. I’ve had best friends, but never BEEN the best friend. I get jealous when people leave me out of things. And all of this is so unhealthy, and I’m working hard to unlearn this. Now that I’m aware of why I feel the way I do, I can try to relearn healthy behavior patterns.
But it’s hard.
Because eventually, everyone goes, and I don’t want to get attached. Because then it hurts that much more.
And honestly, I don’t feel like people make much of an effort. I know it’s because of me. Because I don’t open a door for that. And all that does is make me lonely.
And everyone is dealing with their own stuff. No one is obligated to be my friend. I’m fighting my own battles, they’re fighting theirs, and no one owes me anything.
Now to just remember that.
I think I just talked myself into staying alone.